The Graveyard Run

This afternoon I decided to take break and go for a run (ok not really a run – a brisk walk – ok, ok it was a lumbering stroll – whatever, lets not get stuck on exercise terminology here) Anyway, her neighborhood is pretty busy and not really conducive to such activity. I rode around for a bit looking for a park but they were all near elementary schools and as I dont really want to be mistaken as a pedophile, I gave up and settled on a cemetery that looked semi deserted (I mean except for all the dead bodies).
A while after I started off I noticed a strange thing. This was not one of those normal cemeteries with headstones and monuments, but it was the kind where all the grave markers were low to the ground. It was the kind that you can drive over all of it with a lawn mower without bumping into anything. It was much too orderly and plain. A final resting place for the anal retentive so to speak.

I cut through a path and stopped when I noticed my name on a marker. Not my whole name of course, that would be TOO FREAKY. It was just my last name. But it got me to thinking. I decided something right then and there. I do not want to be buried in a place like this.
I want a great big monument at the top of a hill. Heck I may get rich and put some land in a trust to start my own. After all, foot per foot cemeteries are some of the most expensive land that you can buy. I couldn’t decide on an inscription for my large memorial that will be nestled between large oaks on top of the hill. But I did come up with my own obituary.
Here goes.

A nation in mourning

A shocked nation woke to the sad news that Jake (come on you didn’t expect me to give out my whole name – I’ve got too many stalkers as it is) was found dead Saturday at his palatial mansion.
Authorities claim that the 99 year old Mr. Jake was killed by his wife (several years his junior) early Saturday morning. Mrs. Jake claims that the death was a result self defense. Apparently the elderly but spry gentleman had overdosed on Viagra.
Mrs. Jake is currently recovering from exhaustion and being treated for depression. Doctors are confident that she will make a full recovery and will be able to walk again very soon.

The Jake estate is expected to be tied up in litigation for several years due to the vast sum of wealth that he had accumulated. Mr. Jake, a wealthy litigator, was renowned for his court room appeal and large judgments. Mr. Jake is most well known for causing the bankruptcy of Microsoft due to the large award that he attained for his client (who had rubbed a callus on her finger due to a “defective” track ball device that the company had manufactured).

City and state officials have called for all flags to be flown at half mast and for schools to be dismissed early.

Jake memorabilia has skyrocketed on eBay since his death. An ink pen that was once owned by Mr. Jake was sold yesterday for an undisclosed amount that was rumored to have surpassed the amount paid for Elvis Presley’s air plane. The Bic ink pen was out of ink and had a missing top.

The president is expected to call for a national day of mourning as dignitaries fly in for the funeral. Due to the large number expected visitors, the funeral has been moved from the local church to Legion Field Stadium this week.